


Obscurity

by SparklingPillowCat



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, College Student Eren Yeager, Depression, M/M, Mentions of Blood, My First Fanfic, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rating May Change, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Pity, Slightly triggering, Slow Burn, There will be fluff, professor! Levi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-27
Updated: 2016-11-27
Packaged: 2018-09-02 16:53:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8675248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SparklingPillowCat/pseuds/SparklingPillowCat
Summary: Eren is a college student majoring in Home Economics. With serious anxiety problems. He is scared of the dark and of being alone, so he is desperate for someone to take away his worries. As one day that someone finally appears.





	

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, I want to thank my precious beta-reader @Die_Wachtel (which also happens to be my amazing younger sister), as she kindly helped me with brainstorming and finilazing this work. Yay!!!
> 
> And also thanks for starting to read this, as this is my first fanfiction ever I hope its not too bad... ^^;

Erens legs were trembling, shaking even, as he tried to grip the off-white, cold wall with his numb fingers, scratching his skin open on the coarse texture of it, but he couldn't feel it, he couldn't feel the pain, that should be shooting through him, as tiny drops of warm blood started to form at his raw fingertips. He was scared, looking at his fingertips and gripping the wall tighter, to at least feel something, anything, anything would be better than the numbness he felt in his limbs right now.  
Taking a deep breath, not noticing he hadn't been breathing this whole time, he tried to calm himself a little, as the attempt to calm himself with pain wasn't working. But he still couldn't relax. The memories of the recent events still kept on spinning in his mind.

  
They weren't traumatic -at least they wouldn't be, if he was any other person- on the contrary: it was an ordinary situation. But he wasn't any other person, and so to him stepping on a very stuffed bus after having a very stressful day, on which he overslept resulting in being almost too late to his class, and with him getting yelled at for forgetting his paper, that was due today, and staining his dark blue jeans with coffee in a very unfortunate place, that left him feeling self-concious about it, with having the feeling of getting stared at and judged by other people (which wasn't actually the case, as he very successfully hid it with his too long dark grey hoodie), did make him feel very claustrophobic as he was pushed against a tall person, that smelled somewhat of wall paint and cigarettes and almost made him feel sick to his stomach. As the bus started to move he heard an infant screaming and a young woman on her phone talking very loudly almost screaming to the person on the other end of the line, trying to overrule the other sounds of the bus: Children cheerfully talking to each other (although it was almost 6pm and getting dark outside, they were still energetic); the engine of the bus rumbling in a laboured way; the squeaking of shoes (which were wet with snow) against the linoleum flooring; music that could be heard as a nearby person had the volume up so much, that he could hear it even though the person was wearing headphones; the sound of winter jackets rubbing against each other; a foot taping; a tongue clicking; a person typing on their phone; people breathing; his heart thumping.

  
He was glad that he was standing in the far back of the bus very near to the doors, because as soon as the bus stopped at the next station he jumped off it and ran to the nearest empty seeming alley he could find.  
So now there he was standing in this alley not exactly knowing where he was, just hoping to finally calm down, as he was still panting. Finally looking up he realized how dark it had gotten.

_How long has he been standing here?_

The alley had no street lamps and was only lit by the now rising moon and the weak light coming from the main street, where he had came from.  
Realizing the darkness surrounding him made his breath hitch, and his almost stabilized breathing became frenzied again. He was still leaning on the wall that now had some of his drying blood on it and his fingers started to become sticky with the darkening red liquid, although he couldn't see it clearly, as the darkness kept creeping in. The darkness, which he hated, much more than anything else, started to make him remember, remember things of a repressed past.

  
_He was lying on the basement floor: It was dark, no light came into the room. He couldn't move. He wanted to. Loud noises kept coming from upstairs. People laughing, talking, being drunk... He wanted to go there. He wanted to get out of here. He screamed. A light blinding him ..._

  
A warm hand touching him pulled him out of his memories. “Are you all right?”, a dark calming voice found its way through to him. Not hearing what the man had said, he tensed. Wet streaks of hot tears running down his face, as his gaze was still fixed on the (now dried) blood of his fingers. The grip on his shoulder tightened, as the man attempted to turn him around. Eren was scared, he didn't want anyone seeing him like this.

  
The feeling in his legs returned, as he faced the opposite direction of the man and ran. He ran towards the main street, away from the man, away from the darkness. He tried to run out his memories. While he sprinted down the side walk, mindlessly stumbling into people, jumping into a puddle of melted snow, and almost slipping on some ice; his mind went blank for what seemed to be an eternity. He just ran straight down the road, until it seemed he wasn't that far away from his home and his mind came back to functioning normally. It took him nine more minutes, as he finally turned into a smaller, well lit street, in which the building of his flat was located.  
Running through the entrance, he dashed up the stairs, as the chances of running into a neighbour there were much smaller than on the small elevator (also, even on good days, he felt slightly claustrophobic on the tiny old elevator, so he tried to avoid it when possible). As he reached the 5th floor he felt his lungs burn. After taking a few seconds to catch his breath he took down his black backpack and started searching for his keys in the front compartment. When he heard the tingling sound the key-chain made, he calmed a bit down and opened the doors, still a little breathless, but it was all right now. As he was inside he quickly turned on the lights, locked the doors, took off his wet, cold sneakers and placed them to the right of the door onto a rectangular rubber mat. His backpack was carefully laid down next to the wooden sideboard, and he started to take off his coat and hung it on the hanger above his shoes.

  
Eren felt much safer, now that he was at home. After breathing in the familiar scent of lavender and fresh laundry, he shambled to the bathroom, which was located in between the hallway and the living area. As he pressed down the handle of the bathroom door he left a small stain, which he made sure to clean up after he washed his hands. He turned on the water and waited until it was warm enough to slightly hurt. The sting in his fingertips wasn't as bad as he imagined it to be, so he took his time and tilted his head upwards to look into the mirror. His reflection looked worn out, face still red from the cold and the exhaustion, and marked with dried, salty tear stains. Sighing he ladled up some hot water in his hands and rubbed at his face. He turned off the water and patted himself dry, which was pointless, as he soon started to strip his clothes, put them away into the hamper, and stepped into the shower, to wash himself with just as hot water, that turned his whole body into a lovely shade of red.  
After the small bathroom was all fogged up, he stopped the water and wrapped himself up in a soft blue towel. It was warm, and he started to feel tired. So he dragged himself out of the humid bathroom, into the living area and sat down onto the couch. But he couldn't settle down just yet, as the recent events still spun in his head. He decided he would make a quick dinner and then go to sleep with the help of his trusty sleeping pills.

  
After eating a big portion of Pasta and getting dressed and ready for bed, he lay there covered with two fluffy blankets, as the cold from outside sometimes found its way into his cozy bedroom, when the snowy wind crept through the gaps of his old windows. He kept on the pear-shaped lamp on his bedside-table (which bathed his room in a warm yellowish light), and stared blankly at the tall ceiling above him, wishing the two sleeping pills he took to finally take their effect. But they didn't. Not yet. Laying still as he was, he couldn't keep the thoughts that were finding its way into his mind away.

  
_Pathetic! Disgusting! No one likes him! Not even he himself, so how could he even wish for anyone else not to hate him. His friends were just playing pretend. How else wouldn't they notice how alone he is feeling? That he sometimes didn't want to keep on going, sometimes just wanting to go to sleep and not having to wake up anymore._  
_But in the end he himself was to blame, as he was still smiling all the time, helping them with their problems, trying not to show how lonely he was. Because even though he was surrounded by happy people, people he loved and cared for, he felt alone, more than ever. His friends were precious to him, even when he knew he wasn't to them. He listened if Mikasa wanted to talk to him and gave his advice if Armin asked. He knew he was easy to talk to, as he was open to every topic and could help others even in critical situations. If he only could help himself like he did others, everything would be fine... If only someone cared enough to see that he too wanted to talk about his problems sometimes, and he too needed help with his life. If just someone, anyone would just ask him, if he was all right, maybe then he could open his heart and find relief of this state..._

  
He bathed himself in some more self-pity, until the sleeping pills finally let him fall into a deep, empty, dreamless sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading this! Again as this is my first fanfiction and I am not from an english speaking country (btw I am from Germany^^), there might be some mistakes in it, that I or my beta-reader missed. I hope you still enjoyed it!
> 
> I will try to update this fanfiction as often as I can (hopefully every 1-2 weeks), as I should be able to, but I'm not sure if I can always find the motivation to write. Also I hope that the chapters will get longer with time and my writing skills will improve. 
> 
> So again thank you ^^


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